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Stats: 6,871 words / Reading Time: 34.36 mins

Published: Friday, 19th November 2021

By: Obayomi Abiola Benjamin

Being Intentional in Your Marriage is read 368 times on CentreNDL.org 368


Discover the Principles that Build Your Marriage in Changing Times

Listen To Podcast: Being INTENTIONAL In Your Marriage

Olabisi Obayomi: Welcome to the counselor, my name is Olabisi Obayomi and I'm so excited to welcome you to this exciting episode of The Counselor. In this piece, we're going to be discussing something really important in our marital life. And this is Being Intentional in Your Marriage. I'm so excited because I'm going to be doing this with my husband, Mr. Abiola Obayomi. It is so exciting to bring up this topic because this topic is one very important and germane in every marital relationship, because many times, spouses are not as intentional as they need to be; probably because of one thing or the other. It could be because of their work. It could be because of emotional stress; it could be because of not being themselves. Basically, it could be anything, but you find out that at times, couples tend to just not be as intentional as they should in their marital relationship. And that is why we have decided to come up with this topic and discuss it. So, what can you say, sir, about being intentional in one's marriage?


Abiola Obayomi: Well, thank you for having me once again. You see, one of the things that we must realize or that couples must realize is the fact that Marriage is dynamic. There is no marriage that is static. Based on the things that are happening everywhere in the world, which have given room to dynamics, it also takes place in marriage. No marriage is ever static. So, one of the things that couples do or they can do is by being intentional in their marriage. And what does it mean to be intentional? It means to be deliberate about building the marriage. It means to be conscious of the fact that the marriage is not static, as time goes on and as things takes place in the marriage, they are conscious about it and they are also able to bring in things that are required for the changing marriage so to say. For example, husbands are not static. Wives aren’t static. One way or the other, as time and chances take place in life, it also comes down to everything that has to do with us. So also, is marriage. So, being intentional in the marriage means that the husband and the wife are deliberate about their marriage, always ready and conscious to change with the changing times and also, to make happen what the marriage requires per time. Because as time goes on in the marriage, there would be certain demands in the marriage which the husband and wife must grow into. So, to be intentional in marriage simply means that the husband and the wife are deliberate, they are conscious and they are able to build the marriage based on the dynamics happening in the marriage per time.


Olabisi Obayomi: Thank you so very much for that. While you were speaking you said something about dynamics to marriage. Can you explain more?


Abiola Obayomi: Okay, for example, you see, marriage start with two people becoming one. The husband and the wife coming together under God and then they are united in marriage. That is the first phase of the marriage. But as time goes on, it is expected that the husband and the wife be fruitful in every area of their lives. And part of the fruitfulness is children coming into the marriage. So, the first dynamic that take place is children coming into the picture. For example, children are now in the marriage, what exactly should be the disposition of the husband and the wife because before, it used to be just the man and his wife. But now, children have come into the equation. What exactly should they be doing? That is where intentionality comes in. For example, you know that with children come more demands in the marriage. The husband must therefore be there for the wife because when we talk about raising children in the marriage, parenting generally, it is not only for the woman alone or for the man alone, parenting is a collaborative effort of both the man and the woman. So, the dynamics in that sense is that things are no longer the way they used to be when it was just the man and his wife. Now we have children. Part of being intentional is the husband and the wife coming together and asking themselves the question: how do we raise these children? What exactly are we supposed to be doing? That is number one.


Another thing that brings about dynamics in the marriage is career. You see, along the path of the marriage, it is possible that the man or the woman have to pursue a career path which means that for some time, certain things would happen that would bring about the change in the marriage and being intentional in that sense means that the husband and the wife coming together and saying “now that there is a career to be pursued, what exactly should we be doing so that this that is coming to the marriage, because it is an external thing that is coming into the marriage, does not affect the marriage institution itself.” So, these are parts or examples of the dynamics that come into the marriage and for these dynamics not to affect the marriage in a negative sense, it is important that the couples are intentional because we have seen examples in the world where career choice or path has been the bane of marital institutions going apart. We have seen a situation where children come into the marriage and things took a negative dramatic turn between the man and his wife.


So, part of being intentional in marriage is the husband and the wife coming together and say “how do we accommodate these new changes? How do we accommodate children, our career growth so that it does not affect the marriage negatively?” That was where I was coming from when I said that marriage is dynamic and to be able to accommodate these dynamics, the husband and the wife must be intentional about it.


Olabisi Obayomi: Wow! Thank you so much for that. So, you really talked about the fact of communication, they have to sit down and discuss it. To go into my next question. What is that thing or what are those things that probably happens when you begin to see that you're intentional anymore? What happens when you're no longer intentional in your marriage?


Abiola Obayomi: Well, one of the things that leads to that is first and foremost, is lack of communication. Because whether we like it or not, we cannot completely eradicate the place of communication in marriage. What usually bring about separation or what lead to divorce in the first instance begins with lack of communication. So, part of being intentional in marriage is the husband and the wife coming together to discuss, being intentional about the changes that they have noticed in the marriage. You see, we cannot close our eyes completely and conclude that things aren’t happening in our marriages. You can’t be married for five, ten or fifteen years and still be thinking that your spouse that you married fifteen years ago is still the same person. A lot of things had taken place in those years which have resulted into certain changes.


Olabisi Obayomi: So, does that mean that you can also change while being married?


Abiola Obayomi: Of course, the husband and the wife are not expected to remain static. It is part of the dynamics that come into the marriage. So, the starting point to discussing that is communication. Like “this is a new thing that is happening in this marriage. What do we do about it? How do we accommodate it so that it does not affect this martial relationship in the negative sense?” So, that takes place in the ambience of communication. And another thing that I also think is very important is showing empathy. For example, when children come into play in marriage, it requires a lot of empathy, most especially from the husband because at this point in time, the wife is expected or just trying to get used to a different thing, or scenario.


So, a child coming in so to say will alter a couple of things in the life of the woman. What the husband is expected to do if he wants to be intentional in that sense is by being empathetic to the wife. He needs to come to the wife’s aide in that sense and be able to show support because the woman really needs your care and attention and support and empathy at such a time like that because raising children, breastfeeding them is not something that is really rosy, it requires a lot of time and energy and therefore, the husband being intentional in his own marriage is him coming to the aide of the wife by being supportive so that the wife in the marriage does not cave in under the pressure of trying to care for the children. So, communication is very important if we want to be intentional in our marriage and being empathetic, most especially from the side of the husband. And sometimes, we may wonder and say “does it mean that the wife herself cannot be empathetic towards her husband?” the wife also can be empathetic towards her husband. For example, if the husband is experiencing certain things that does not really help his emotions; maybe for example, he’s been under a lot of pressure lately from his place of work. Part of being intentional in the marriage is the wife coming to the aid of the husband at that time by being a support system, by sharing that burden, by offering advice and in letting the husband know that “see, if the world is coming up on you, you still have a support system in the home.” That is what being intentional is.  And as small as we may think these things are really, they are the things that cement the marriage together and builds it even in the long run.


Olabisi Obayomi: Thank you so much for that, while you were speaking, something came into my mind, because you were speaking more about the men. So, I wanted to ask about the women as well. I'll just like to do that now. You mentioned something around the women. But I'll just like you to say something more about what you think as a man now, what are the things that you think that a woman can do more that makes her intentional in a marital relationship?


Abiola Obayomi: Okay. So, the starting point, you know, for a woman in that sense, is first and foremost being a listener. You see, there are certain things that men try to bottle up in themselves. You see, a lot of things is going on in a man that most of the times, if there is no proper outlet, to letting those things out, a man would continue to bottle those things. So, being intentional as a wife is you trying to study your husband. You know how your husband used to be and you know if things aren’t going on well, you know how he used to behave. So, when you notice those instances in the man, he is always to himself, he has been quiet, even though you know he is a fun-loving kind of man and lively. Part of being intentional for you as a wife is trying to understand what your husband is going through in that sense and bring out words in him.


Now, don’t assume your husband is that quiet because he is spiritual, no. It does not mean that spiritual people don’t also have those moments or things they are going through. So, don’t say my husband is in a spiritual quiet moment, no! One of the things that you must do as a wife is to find out what exactly could be going on in your husband’s mind at such a time as that. So, if they are unpalatable things, he is able to share it with his wife and they are both together able to proffer solution, peradventure, it could be something that the wife could be of help in resolving. So, for the wife, also make sure that you understand your husband, his best moments and when he is not in his best moments. How does the woman get to this point? It is by being intentional. Don’t just say my husband has started his moody behavior again, it is you finding out what could have resorted into your husband’s current state and then you able to come up to his aide because that is why you are his help.


You see, being a help in marriage is all encompassing. It is not in bed alone that you are a help, it is not in career alone, it involves every area. So, you are there for your husband in every situation and all circumstance, whether they are good or they are not good. So, you as the woman, you are intentional because you want your husband to be at his best per time, you don’t want to leave him to himself. So, when you notice that he is not at his best, what do you do? You being intentional as the woman is you trying to find out why he is not at his best. So, whatever the husband may have been bottling up in him before that time, now is the time for him to speak up and then share part of the burdens with you because you must realize that one of the things we do in marriage, apart from raring children or doing some other things together is being a burden bearer. The best burden bearer is your spouse, either for the husband or the wife.


So, when you notice that this burden on my husband is trying to put a lot of pressure on him, then you come in as the wife. How do you do that? It is by you being intentional. You don’t keep to yourself. You go to him; you find out what is going on and then he is able to come out of his shell and then share those things with you.


Olabisi Obayomi: Wow! Thank you so much for that. You said something while you're speaking and it's making me want to ask this question about the sexuality of marriage. What can you say more about being intentional in your marriage when it comes to sex?


Abiola Obayomi: Okay, now, one of the things we must understand is that sex is actually something that is, you know, in the marriage. Sex is legal, sex is spiritual in marriage. And so being intentional about the sexual relation in marriage, is you understanding that this is something that I must give. You see, one thing we must know and one thing the apostle Paul said is the fact that when it comes to sexual relations in the marriage, the husband and the wife must be intentional. In other words, he said the husband must not starve the wife and the wife must not starve the husband. So, in that regard, you know that this is an obligation.


Olabisi Obayomi: Okay?


Abiola Obayomi: Like it is not something that should be starved. It is not something that should, you know, that either of the couples should beg for it. Paul said except there is a consent between the husband and the wife for a time, so that they can give themselves to fasting and prayer. But he said outside of that umbrella, sexual relations in marriage is something that should happen and take place.


Olabisi Obayomi: Everyday?


Abiola Obayomi: Not necessarily every day. Marriage is not all about sex, we must also understand that. But sex is one of the things that drives marriage. In fact, as a matter of fact, there was a time I heard that each time you have sexual intercourse with your husband or wife in marriage, it is one way of cementing or renewing the marital covenant. So, you know that the marriage institution is for long, it is not something that happens for tow weeks and then ends. No! So, sexual intercourse is one of the things that cements. And if something cements your marriage, you would realize that it is something that you want to do all the time so that it brings about the commitment to each other in marriage, brings about both the spiritual and the physical connection.


Being a married man myself, I have come to realize that sexual relations in marriage is one of those things that cements the marriage. I have come to realize that most of the times, in those sexual circumstances, I personally, I don’t know about other people really, I discover that in those moments, there is nothing my wife would ever ask me that she does not get. So, one thing that taught me is that sexual relations in marriage is something that couples must be intentional about because number one, it is one of the vulnerable moments in marriage.


Olabisi Obayomi: So, we can ask for one million dollars…you know, I am still thinking about that thing.


Abiola Obayomi: In fact, if the husband has it in that moment, he can sign the cheque.


Olabisi Obayomi: Is it that powerful?


Abiola Obayomi: It is that powerful really. But it should not be manipulative. You shouldn’t get to a point where because you want something from your husband you now have sex, no! it is something that should flow naturally in the marriage. And that is why if there is any area where I would advise couples to be intentional about, it is in their sexual relation. Because you know that it is in the marriage that you can both spiritually and by covenant and legally, have sex with your wife and you are not guilty. You can’t have sex in marriage and then you are condemned. It is the only avenue where God has made available that a man and woman can have sexual relations and they will be as justified in His presence as they were. So, being intentional in marriage in sexual relations is something that the couples must take seriously.


Olabisi Obayomi: So, it means that sometimes when people are having issues all the time, could it mean that probably they're not getting their sexual relations, right.


Abiola Obayomi: Yes, it is one of the things because the truth is you can't have sexual intercourse regularly with your spouse and then you have issues with them because one of the things, I have noticed sex does in marriage is that it lightens everything. You cannot just finish having a good sex with your wife and then you still remember all the things she’s done wrong. Because there is an emotion that is attached to sex that makes you just vulnerable before your spouse and then apologize for every wrong doing. That’s how powerful sex is.


Olabisi Obayomi: Alright, thank you so much for that. It was quite enlightening. I want to ask about what your take is about intentionality in the place of prayer with your spouse.


Abiola Obayomi: Yes. I was hoping that we're going to get to that place because we have been talking about marriage. It is not only about sex alone, and about career and every other thing. Prayer is essential in marriage. Prayer must be intentionally done in marriage. God honors the prayer of couples. The Bible says somewhere in Ecclesiastes that two heads are better than one, a threefold cord cannot be easily broken. God honors the prayers of the spouses and as much as we try in marriage to be intentional about other things, the couples also must be intentional about their prayer life. They must pray regularly, they must ask in agreement, because the Bible talks about the prayer of agreement. It says “where two or three people are gathered, God said He would be in their midst.” That equation is perfectly for the husband and wife because they are two physically, even though they are one, but they can agree together in marriage, they can agree concerning anything.


You see, many marriages today are going through so much that is inconsistent with the marriage institution simply because they have not given themselves so much to prayer. Prayer must go on regularly in the marriage, it is something that the husband and wife must do, it is something that must be passed down to their children. As a matter of fact, their children must grow up to know and understand that their parents are prayer warriors.


Olabisi Obayomi: I will like to ask a question there, because over time, I've heard people say, on and again about the fact that many times, ministers don't give themselves to prayer in the family. Sometimes I've heard people, you know, probably complain about the fact that my husband is the Minister of God's word, but he doesn't really, you know, stay with us to pray and all of that, how do you do it, I'll just like to you to share.


Abiola Obayomi: Well, in that instance, I believe the husband may be a busy minister. There are some ministers like that that are so busy. And one of the things that should happen in those instances especially when the husband is actually busy, is that the wife can step in, you understand. Because one of the things that we must realize is that the wife’s primary role is to help the man. So, in that instance, when you notice that your husband is a busy minister of God, one of the things that the wife can do is to stand in the gap for him. Pick up that role of praying for him and praying for the family. For example, there are some ministers of the gospel that are married but they are everywhere. They are hardly at home. The go to places, ministering, always travelling and all of that. They are still in the purpose of God for their lives. So, what you do in that instance as the wife is to be intentional about the prayer altar that has been erected in the home.


Don’t say “well, because my husband is not around and you therefore abandon prayer”, no! Continue in the prayer. Pray for your husband, pray for his ministry while he is away, and also, pray together with the children standing in the gap, so that wherever your husband is, his ministry can move forward. But most importantly, when he is back or less busy, always make sure that the ministry of prayer goes on in the home. The husband must not be extremely busy to the point that he does not have time to pray in the home with his family. There must always be time. But in situations where he is not available because of ministry work, the wife can step in and then take up that responsibility of praying for him and praying for his family and standing in the gap.


Olabisi Obayomi: Wow, it's been such an enlightening time with you today. I like to ask lastly, what are the things that happens? How do we know in a relationship, what are the fruits that we begin to see that a marriage is no intentional?


Abiola Obayomi: A number of things, you know are always evidence in the marriage that is not intentional. The first thing you will notice is that there will be a communication gap. Anytime there is a communication gap between the wife and the husband, then you should realize at that point that that intentionality in marriage, you know, has been tampered with. Because one of the ways by which you are intentional in your marriage is by communication. You communicate with your spouse. You don’t joke with the place of communication. But when you begin to notice that there is a gap in that marriage, then you know that there is a gap of communication. The husband is always doing his own thing, the wife is doing her own thing. So, by that, you know that something is fundamentally wrong in the communication.


Then another thing you would notice is lack of empathy. When a wife is not empathetic towards her husband, or the husband towards his wife, then you know you they are not intentional. You see, empathy in marriage is not something that is given to chance. Empathy in marriage is deliberately done. You must always show your spouse that empathy, there is nothing you can be going through, if the world is coming down on you, know that in the home…do you know why many husbands find it hard to go to their homes? It is because of a problem in the home. When you see a man who closes from work and goes straight to a beer parlor instead of going home to his wife, then you know there is something fundamentally wrong in that home. There is no intentionality in that home.


So, one way to nip that in the bud is by being empathetic. Know that if I don’t go home immediately, how would my wife feel? How would my children feel? So, when you notice that there is a gap so to say in any marriage, know that communication is taken out of the way and there is lack of empathy in the marriage. And you see, when couples don’t pray, definitely all these things would come in. Because when you break the edge, the Bible says the serpent would come in. So, how do you make sure that there is no broken edge in your marriage, is it by praying together. So, every other factor that may bring about the husband and the wife going apart is rooted under prayer. When you pray, those other factor won’t come in. because when you pray with your wife, you would communicate with your wife because prayer is first and foremost, communication with God. So, if you can communicate with God, how come you cannot communicate with your wife? When you are empathetic towards your wife, it is because you are also empathetic in the place of prayer. Because you know that if you don’t pray, that empathy that you are looking for from God, you may not receive it.


Why do we pray to God? Because we want God to be empathetic on us, to see our situations and help us out. So, if you will not give room for every other thing that may bring about separation in the marriage, then you must give room to prayer. When you pray, you would be submissive as a wife, when you pray, you would receive grace to love your wife as the husband. These all is wrap around prayer and also allowing God to be in the marriage. You see, marriage is between two people, but the third person in the marriage is God Himself. God must be involved. It says a threefold cord is not easily broken. So, your marriage must be submitted unto God. If it is submitted unto God, then every other thing in that marriage flows from God. Parenting flows from God, the way you communicate with your spouse flows from God. At times, you want to communicate something with your wife, you go to God first and seek for direction how to lay it down.


So, everything flows from God and then it flows into the marriage. So, the most important thing about being intentional in marriage is by being intentional in the place of prayer. Being spiritual as the husband and the wife and then every other thing flows from there.


Olabisi Obayomi: Wow! Thank you so much for that. There was another thing that you said while I was listening to you now that could actually be as a result of not being intentional as well, is the fact that sexual relations becomes a chore. Right? It becomes like a work rather than something that should just happen freely. And then friendship is also affected somehow.


Abiola Obayomi: This is this is how that works. When you begin to struggle to have sex with your husband, or you begin to see it as “let me just give it to him so that he does not die.” Then Something is definitely wrong. Sex in marriage shouldn't be, even though it is an obligation, should not be something we should do, but it shouldn't be subjected to like, okay, let me sha it. No! It should flow from, you know, the abundance of the love that you share with each other in the marriage.


Olabisi Obayomi: Okay, so you said something about sex being work, you know, the normal work now. Does that mean that you should come expecting something in return for the work that you've done? Shouldn't we just come to the place of sex freely, you understand?


Abiola Obayomi: That's exactly how it should be in marriage. Sex in marriage is a work. Now, is not the kind of work where you do and then you expect money in return. If that happens between a husband and the wife, that is prostitution. But you see sex as a responsibility in marriage because you know that your husband cannot go elsewhere to have it. Your wife cannot go elsewhere to have it. They can only have it within the confines of marriage. The Bible says marriage is honorable in all and the bed undefiled. What does that tell us? It means in marriage; sex is an obligation because the husband and the wife cannot go elsewhere to do it. And the reason is because most times, when we begin to see sex as a burden in marriage, then something is fundamentally wrong. It means along the line in marriage, they have not been intentional and something has given birth to that because sex shouldn’t be seen as a burden, it should be seen as something that is obligatory, in the sense that my husband needs it and my wife needs it.


Olabisi Obayomi: So, I must give to him in love not that I want to come and do a work or perform a duty.


Abiola Obayomi: I must give it to him in love so that he does not cave in under that emotional burden. So, sex is actually a responsibility in marriage and the husband and wife must be intentional about their sexual life. It is one of the areas in marriage that they must be intentional about. It is not something that is subject to prayer and fasting, they must be intentional about given each other sexual satisfaction. It builds the marriage. And we said being intentional in the marriage builds it, whether there are dynamics and changes everywhere, these are the factors that come together and make sure that the marriage is solid and standing on the rock.


Olabisi Obayomi: Wow, it's really been an exciting time here. Like I believe that you've also been enjoying it. Let us know if you would like to have more of these sessions. Let's know in the comment section. Please like, share with your friends and as much as possible, please subscribe to our channel. I trust God that you have been blessed. Till we come your way again on another exciting episode of The Councilor. My name is Olabisi Obayomi, and my guest remains Abiola Obayomi.


Thank you very much and bye!

Thanks for the gift of your time, We are Obayomi Abiola Benjamin and Olabisi Obayomi!

Feel free to share your thoughts or testimony in the comment box below. I promise to respond to them as soon as possible!

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Word of Confession: (Optional)

Lord Jesus, I confess to you that I have sinned against the LORD God - in the rebellion of my heart, I have disappointed your expectations on my life. I have fallen from Your grace and followed wrong influences around me. Today, I retrace my steps back to you - and I ask that in your mercy you accept me as your son and give to me (again) the promise of the Father - the Holy Spirit. Lord Jesus, please, come and make my heart your home, and from there rule in the affairs of all men. In Jesus Name I have prayed.


Intentional Husband Wife Dynamics Prayer Children Divorce

On what foundation are you building your marriage, business, ministry or carrier? The wind, storm and rains will definitely come with their own unique kind of test. Your foundation will determine if you will either stand or get blown away......

Published: Apeh Francis Abah | Thursday 10th October 2019

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  On what foundation are you building your marriage, business, ministry
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I am Abiola Benjamin Obayomi, a disciple of Jesus Christ, with a drive to mentor young believers into spiritual maturity. I am a student of God's word and a teacher as well, with passion in the areas of relationship & spiritual development. I am a worshipper, an ardent lover and follower of the Lord Christ.

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Olabisi Obayomi, a blessed daughter of the Most High God, a wife and mother. She is an Accountant by profession, a seasoned administrator with a passion to help individuals and businesses with their financial and leadership management. Olabisi is guided by the values of Love, Excellence, Consistency, Certainty and Integrity.

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Impactful Leadership Pt. 2: Rising To The Occasion As The Leader
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CentreNDL founding purpose is to see transformed Nigeria and World led by servant-leaders with Christlike character in all sectors of the society!

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